McDreamy texted me Saturday AM, “You left your heart in LA huh,” in regards to my Facebook status of leaving sunshine, warmth and my heart (very vague update) status. After some texts about how it was the warmth I loved, I called to break off whatever we have been doing. I thought about everything and decided it was going to be mutual and I would just be doing the dirty work of bringing it up. Wow, was I wrong! He thought the past week had been going great. He got really emotional and upset on the phone. I’ve never been on this side of things before and didn’t know quite what to do. He clearly had taken us to a whole other level and I was moving backward while he was moving forward.

His reaction caused me to second guess myself so I called/texted back that my phone call was irrational and asked if we could talk in person. He ended up coming over with the intention that we would still go to the concert if the talk went well. The minute he walked in it was a big hug and a little make out session – mostly out of my guilt. I didn’t intend to hurt him. I laid out all my concerns and he seemed obliging. I told him I felt like I was on probation this past week and he apologized. We discussed expectations and he laid it out that he has to study and we can’t spend all weekends together and he can’t entertain me. I told him I’m not a child that needs to be entertained. He also foreshadowed to how he will be gone for a month at a time here for medical school in PA. I said we can just cross that bridge when we get there. Overall the talk went well. I told him how some of his texts came off hard and mean. I told him how him saying his feelings diminished for me kept ringing in my head and I never got anything to validate that his feelings had changed this past week. I honestly thought he wasn’t into me anymore. I kind of mentally checked out myself in LA. He said the fact that I didn’t text him when I got home from LA was odd and I just used an excuse that I got back late. I’ve never been in this situation before so I let us hear each other’s thoughts out and it seemed agreeable enough to see where things go.

We ended up going to the band concert that night and a bar after. We were at Matt Torrey’s in Brooklyn after the concert. I enjoyed some unicorn blood suggested by a friend of his. Crispin cider with wine. Actually tasty. I limited myself to two drinks so he wouldn’t JUDGE me, which I told him I didn’t like. He said if I drank excessively though he would. I ended up going back to the Hudson Valley with him that night just to pass out but was sure to leave right after lunch so he could study. Plus, I wanted to go running and watch TV. I am not sure if I feel 100% myself around him. When he was driving me back in the afternoon to the train station I got scared in the car as he quickly was approaching the rear end of a car on the bridge. He is not a good driver and when I yelled “eeee” he yelled at me to not do that. I don’t like the comfort level of this to where he feels ok to do do that to me. I need to think this one over. For now, we have dinner plans with my ginger best friend and her husband next Saturday. I definitely am anxious to get their feedback about him.

It isn’t fair to McDreamy, LA Guy or myself to have my feelings spread across the country. I prayed for a sign last night at church and know that He will provide me one as he always does. For now though, my head is in NYC and my heart is still in LA. I feel in this case though, it is better and wiser and think with my head over my heart. But, I am going to be the romantic and go with my heart here.

Sometimes there are fleeting moments where we have to decide whether to let them go or to explore. Last week I went to Los Angeles for a work trip. I had no idea when I walked into my client meeting at 11:30 a.m. that one of my fellow coworkers in sales would steal my heart. He had these amazing blue eyes and was just adorable. I couldn’t stop looking over his way during the meeting. Later that evening, I found out he felt the same way. I stepped out of my comfort zone and told him that my rep and I were staying the night at The Beverly Hilton and that he should come out to dinner with us. There were two other sales guys but one was married and one was jetting out the door so I didn’t bother with them. Lo and behold, lets call him “LA Guy,” did! I just kind of took these feelings with a grain of salt.

Dinner and drinks consisted of two sales guys, myself and my high school friend. It was a really fun group. My high school friend who lives in the area was trying to set LA Guy up with her friend. I kept my interests at bay because I technically am dating someone back in NYC, although was already mentally checking out of that relationship. We started with drinks at Bar Bouchon and then went to Sugarfish for dinner (these places are all in Beverly Hills, not far from the hotel). There was a point at Sugarfish where I just completely gave into my crush and childishly played footsies.

The rest of the night, definitely not a blur but definitely full of vodka, was full of shameless flirting on both parties. Me and my sales guys went back to the hotel bar after dinner, then Uber’d back to the area where we had dinner for drinks at Nic’s Martini Lounge, then back to the hotel back for another drink which ended up be taken back to my room with LA Guy. He was so cute throughout the night, trying to kiss me. I tried to not let it happen in front of our other coworker as that was just uncomfortable for me. He just recently got married so I don’t think he minded if we were making out anyway!

We didn’t hook up in my room that night. We just made out and such. 😉 He called our company’s travel agency to try and change my flight to stay the weekend. $1600 was a hefty fee. He told the woman on the phone we were in love but it definitely didn’t help, sadly. We cuddled all night and then in the morning definitely hooked up, a few times. There were just moments where our eyes met and the fact that there wasn’t a drunken hook up was ideal, because when he said “I like you,” I knew it wasn’t the vodka talking. He tried to change my flight again that morning but no luck. He left around 10:30 a.m. (we definitely should’ve been working by then as it was Friday lol). He texted me in a few minutes that he missed me, he told me not to get on my flight and was what I feel genuinely adamant about me staying. I prayed my flight got canceled because of the snow back in NYC, but of course just the flight AFTER mine got the luck of the draw in my opinion.

This was Friday and we have been texting, sending voice messages and pictures since. I;m kind of stuck in my heart because I want to give this a chance. I want to go back to Los Angeles and explore our fleeting moment. He definitely wants me to as well and I was looking at his birthday weekend for next month.

I know this is wild and my feelings are just stuck in the moment but there was a connection when our eyes met that I haven’t felt before. It wasn’t just the sun and the warmth the city had to offer. It was a magical and romantic connection between the two of us. I definitely feel like I left my heart in Los Angeles.

“Knowing when to walk away is WISDOM.

Being able to is COURAGE.

Walking away with your head held high is DIGNITY.”

I can’t think of a time where I was the one in a two party “relationship” where I decided I wanted to end it. Even it this wasn’t a REAL-ationship, it was a learning experience. I learned what I want and what I don’t want in a partner.

McDreamy was great in the beginning. His messages to me completed my thoughts and it was like he had a chip on my brain, knowing my every thought and being able to write to appeal to it. He was the male version of me. Someone who wanted to make future plans to see one another. Someone who always said “goodnight” and “good morning.” Someone who could talk about anything. We weren’t 100% the same though but where we were opposites is where I think it would’ve been beneficial for a relationship. I was spontaneous to his set schedule. I was a feeler to his thinker. I was an extrovert to his introvert. I was laughter to his seriousness. I believe those are all compatible qualities to draw out in one another. In that personality test, Insights, that I took at work where I mentioned I was a yellow, well McDreamy was definitely my opposite color scheme with blue being his main trait. I know this even without him taking the test because he shares a lot of traits with my friend Coco who is a blue.

Whereas, he did have a lot of great qualities he lacked qualities I learned I definitely need a partner. I need someone with more empathy, more compassion, more understanding. I need a man who appreciates me and recognizes me as much as I recognize him. McDreamy did this in the beginning but come recovery time it was more one-sided and I barely felt appreciated. I need someone that doesn’t judge me if I want to go out and drink with my friends. Yes, I live in a city where there are 10 bars in a one block radius of my front door but you should trust me and not worry about me. I’ll let you know when I am home and you’ll appreciate my drunk dials and texts. You’ll wake up and smile instead of shaking your head. On St. Patrick’s Day, I did not even go out. I texted McDreamy from my Brazilian wax appointment (clear stretch on trying to still turn him on because we had plans to hang out this Saturday) and he said he was home from an Irish pub around 7:30 p.m. But, his messages the remainder of the night and snap chat views were delayed. And, his only responses were purely sexual with no context or no intention on moving forward. He texted me from my “goodnight” message about two hours later at 11:45pm so I called right after I received the text. Something didn’t feel right and I wanted to talk. No answer, of course. I left a voicemail. Very nonchalant voicemail. In the morning I woke up to “Good Morning! Sorry I decided to sleep instead of answer your call.” WOW. As Michelle Tanner would say in Full House, “How Rude!.” I don’t know if he went back out, was out with someone or just at home either being drunk, with someone or just ignoring me. It was unusual behavior for him. Come to find out, he had to be up at 5:30am for a school meeting. Well, the meeting at at 7:30am. His school is actually in the city so he must’ve had this meeting in the city. My mind clearly wonders why he didn’t just want to come into the city the night before, us do dinner and go to bed early and him not have to wake up so early for his school meeting. Why didn’t he? Because he clearly didn’t want to see me. Or, he clearly had other plans.

I want someone that makes time for me. Especially in this case since we do not live nearby, we had to make efforts. I don’t want someone that yells at me because I ask them to take a train 30 minutes later so we can grab a bite to eat and spend more time together. I definitely was not and was never disrespectful of his schedule. Clearly, when he chooses to stay up late on his own accord it is ok. But, if I request it, I got yelled at like a child. Which, in his defense he apologized for when I brought it up over the phone. He didn’t intend to yell but said how angry his was. I honestly think he was just hangry as well.

I want someone that surprises me. I want someone that asks me questions. He doesn’t anymore. He doesn’t complete my thoughts anymore. He consumes them and I do NOT like that. That is not me. I am not the kind of girl to make a guy like me who doesn’t. I don’t want to be with someone that likes me less than I like them. There is an awful but true quote:

“The one who cares the least, holds the most power in the relationship.” 

I feel like this was a classic game of catch. He got me to like him, take down my wall and become vulnerable and then the moment I reciprocated feelings at his level, BOOM! He lost interest. I was really excited about this one, too. I through all my insecurities out the window. I didn’t do my classic look for every little flaw like I tend to do because I actually liked the guy. I was nervous for our dates because I actually liked him. I didn’t have our wedding planned out or anything. I was taking things at a healthy level. I didn’t sleep with him until the fourth date because I really liked him.

I was ridiculously sad for a while. But, now, I have realized my worth. I’m trusting my instincts. They are yelling at me to beware. They tell me to imagine if this is how he is after two months and silly incidents, then imagine down the road with larger, more serious incidents. That sword he had in his room could be used as a weapon! Ok, now that is just me being dramatic, but I think my point is valid.

As I travel over the border between Arizona and California into Los Angeles, I am just going to step back from this situation. He did text me prior to me flight to “Have a safe flight!!” I am not sure why he is still making an effort. I am not sure what is going on. He doesn’t communicate with me like he did two months ago. It isn’t fair to have one style of communication with me one month and then pull a 180 the next month. Regardless, I am going to enjoy my work trip and not let him bother me. I am as far as I could possibly get from him and I find peace with that.

Ideally, we have this discussion in person on Saturday. I will gladly hear his side but I believe he is on the same side of the fence as I am. Worst case scenario, I send him this text which is an abbreviated version of this blog entry. I don’t want to be that person that ends things over a text but it may be best considering how things have been going and I am not sure he even deserves the privilege of an in person communication. Ideally, we are mature about this but I am to the point where I just don’t really give a fuck. I’m not scared or sad anymore.

Never settle for less than what you deserve. And, I know I deserve the world and all God has to offer me. I will maintain my dignity and keep my head held high. He has someone incredible out there for me and if anything this was all just in preparation for when I do meet “the one.” Until then, Cheers from California!

Cupid hit hard about two months about when I started talking to McDreamy.

I met probably the nicest, more sincere guy I have talked to in a while. I am not sure how we got matched on OkCupid with him being in Pennsylvania at the time but I am happy I swiped right. The conversation was genuine and inquisitive from the beginning and we have been out about eight times now.

McDreamy is a medical student, hence the name. Also, once I met him, he definitely was dreamy inside and out as a person. At the time we started talking he was back in in PA where he is from between rotations at his hospital on the Hudson Valley. He wasn’t going to be back in New York for about three weeks. This was bittersweet because I was anxious to meet the man behind the words, but it was nice because it gave us a chance to really get to know each other. Text conversations moved into phone conversations and that turned into a set date for February 5th to kick off my birthday weekend. Before we even met we had about two to three dates set. I obviously was nervous and was sure to keep my guard up but it was so refreshing to talk to a guy that would ask me questions, always seemed to say the right thing and was so genuine.

Our first date was idyllic. I felt like I was in the 1950s and all I was missing was being picked up in an old school convertible, but since this is in New York City, we took a stroll instead. HE picked me up at my front door, with a single red rose in hand. We had been “watching” The Bachelor together the past few weeks and the gesture was perfect. He sported a sports coat and nice pants. I was thoroughly impressed and tucked my fears away. We walked eight blocks south to Uva, an adorable Italian restaurant neither of us had ever been to. We had a perfect corner, candle-lit table that was filled with great conversation and tons of laughs. Sadly, I wasn’t feeling 100% well but I toughed up and the hot toddy helped ease my throat so I could talk. He asked me one question at dinner that through me off. Granted, he is in the medical field and actually listened to things I said, but I never mentioned about my dad passing so when he asked “what kind of cancer did your dad pass from?” really struck me that wow, this guy actually cares and is interested in my life. After a delicious meal we went to 16 Handles and I got some Fro-Yo. This was so much nicer than going out for more drinks after dinner, which most guys try to do. The experience and the fro-yo were refreshing.

Since the night went well I invited him to partake in some of my birthday activities for the weekend. He came out the next night on Friday to my game night at E’s Bar on the Upper West Side where he had the pleasure of meeting all of my friends. I was super impressed that he came out knowing that there would be so many people and I wouldn’t be able to 100% devote my time to him. Again, he keeps impressing me. He was super social, which was great to see since we had discussed how he was an introvert and I was an extrovert. And, all my friends really enjoyed his company. Seals of approval from all directions. The night moved over to Brother Jimmy’s, Dorrian’s and ended with him and I at my local Eastside Cantina. He did stay over, but I was determined to wait out for this one since I really liked him.

My birthday weekend continued (from now on, I’m only doing ONE DAY of celebrating) and he met up again for my Sunday Funday festivities after brunch with my closest girlfriends. Sadly, I drank a little too much this day since I had the Monday after, my actual birthday off, and am embarrassed of how the day went. He left late that night and I felt awful since he had a new rotation starting the next day. Also, I wasn’t going to see him for a while since he had a tonsillectomy scheduled for that Wednesday.

When McDreamy first told me about his surgery, after thinking about how much that sucks I thought well damn, there goes my Valentine’s Date. Not soon after that thought crossed my mind when he told me about his surgery (before I even met him) he said how he was bummed that he wouldn’t get to take me out for Valentine’s Day like he wanted. So sweet like those little word heart candies.

That would be the next time we would see each other was February 28th for a belated Valentine’s sushi dinner. He came back down to the city for a fourth time to see me. Since my birthday weekend we texted a lot and I even sent some get-well books. I have scared guys off in the past with presents, but luckily he appreciated them and wasn’t scared off. I felt horrible for this guy the whole while he was recovering because he had so many difficulties. I was excited to see him after he felt well enough and we definitely had a great night with dinner and a movie and a sleep over followed by brunch the next day.

By now, I feel like I still have my guard up but during a retreat I went on the week before my birthday I learned many valuable things but mostly was to be vulnerable and hopeful. I am definitely trying to incorporate those qualities into my life but it is so difficult with the amount of times I have been hurt in the past. I know the adage “what doesn’t kill you make you stronger” but I’m beyond tired of dating countless, careless men that just want to “go get drinks.” I’m so beyond that am just hopeful that I finally found a nice guy I can date.

The weekend after the sushi date, I finally went up the Hudson Valley to see him. I was actually excited to escape the city. The train ride up was just gorgeous along the water and once I got off the train, there he was waiting for me. All along I always pray for signs from God to be sure I am heading in the right direction. On the train was a giant black lab, which McDreamy said was his favorite. Sign.

He picked me up at the train station and we got in his car. Definitely a new thing for me to experience with all my dating escapades in New York City. Naturally, I didn’t buckle up right away and it took me a while to adjust to the environment, but once I did I was quite content. We watched a movie at his place and then went out to one of my favorite restaurants, Bonefish, for dinner. I figured I would take advantage of suburbia while I was there! Dinner conversation and food was delicious and was followed by a beverage at an Irish bar. It was a perfect date night with the driving, kissing, hand holding, etc. When we got back we had some wine while watching a movie with lunch the next day before I headed back to the city.

That was last weekend. He ended up coming down this past Wednesday and things went from an ultimate high to an ultimate low. The high was the fact that he came to Mass with me, which was so important to me, and when kissing goodbye at the train station there was the confirmation that we are not dating other people. The low was that there was too much to drink, not enough food eaten and I was completely selfish in wanting him to stay later than he would’ve liked, which ended up pissing him off. I’m praying that this wasn’t a deal breaker. I wish I could go back to that evening and have just gotton one drink with him and my friend before Mass and then after Mass just the two of us gone to dinner instead of the social after Mass. He completely agreed but hey, can’t turn back time and I need to let it go. Let go and let God.

This past week has been more of an emotional roller coaster and I am not sure if it is going to end in a peak of valley. I feel like I am in a probationary period to see if I am going to get the final rose, however there are no other contestants in this game I’m in. I honestly believe there are more pros than cons in this situation for either party. There were things that pissed me off, too, such as not meeting his friends and ridiculous Facebook antics but I decided to take the high road and discuss these things over the phone rather than text and let me heart race while I awaited a response. He said I was mature to share my feelings but he has reservations. I am hoping those are just a result of a bad night and my getting used to actually dating someone. I haven’t really seriously dated anyone in a while and this is all new to me. He is exactly the type of guy I want and I obviously felt comfortable enough to share my feelings so openly and honestly.

If it isn’t meant to be, then it won’t work out. I truly believe Thy will over my will. I also pray this wasn’t a whole “want what you can’t have” from the beginning where I had my guard up and then once I took it down and reciprocated the feelings that THAT is what would cause his feelings to diminish. I don’t want to make a guy like me but the conversation we had where we shared feelings and thoughts this weekend as well as the Homily at church tonight opened my eyes to a lot of things. I’m looking forward to this Saturday’s date, which will be a concert in Brooklyn, and I am hoping it gets things back on the track they were going and we both can learn forgiveness. My first rose I received from him is now dried sitting on my nightstand. I have hope that it won’t be the last.

“God loves everyone and accepts you for who you are, faults sins and all. His love for you is more powerful than your love for him and he always wants to be with you. He isn’t asking you to change or to better yourself. But, it is the realization of this love that can change you.”