“Knowing when to walk away is WISDOM.

Being able to is COURAGE.

Walking away with your head held high is DIGNITY.”

I can’t think of a time where I was the one in a two party “relationship” where I decided I wanted to end it. Even it this wasn’t a REAL-ationship, it was a learning experience. I learned what I want and what I don’t want in a partner.

McDreamy was great in the beginning. His messages to me completed my thoughts and it was like he had a chip on my brain, knowing my every thought and being able to write to appeal to it. He was the male version of me. Someone who wanted to make future plans to see one another. Someone who always said “goodnight” and “good morning.” Someone who could talk about anything. We weren’t 100% the same though but where we were opposites is where I think it would’ve been beneficial for a relationship. I was spontaneous to his set schedule. I was a feeler to his thinker. I was an extrovert to his introvert. I was laughter to his seriousness. I believe those are all compatible qualities to draw out in one another. In that personality test, Insights, that I took at work where I mentioned I was a yellow, well McDreamy was definitely my opposite color scheme with blue being his main trait. I know this even without him taking the test because he shares a lot of traits with my friend Coco who is a blue.

Whereas, he did have a lot of great qualities he lacked qualities I learned I definitely need a partner. I need someone with more empathy, more compassion, more understanding. I need a man who appreciates me and recognizes me as much as I recognize him. McDreamy did this in the beginning but come recovery time it was more one-sided and I barely felt appreciated. I need someone that doesn’t judge me if I want to go out and drink with my friends. Yes, I live in a city where there are 10 bars in a one block radius of my front door but you should trust me and not worry about me. I’ll let you know when I am home and you’ll appreciate my drunk dials and texts. You’ll wake up and smile instead of shaking your head. On St. Patrick’s Day, I did not even go out. I texted McDreamy from my Brazilian wax appointment (clear stretch on trying to still turn him on because we had plans to hang out this Saturday) and he said he was home from an Irish pub around 7:30 p.m. But, his messages the remainder of the night and snap chat views were delayed. And, his only responses were purely sexual with no context or no intention on moving forward. He texted me from my “goodnight” message about two hours later at 11:45pm so I called right after I received the text. Something didn’t feel right and I wanted to talk. No answer, of course. I left a voicemail. Very nonchalant voicemail. In the morning I woke up to “Good Morning! Sorry I decided to sleep instead of answer your call.” WOW. As Michelle Tanner would say in Full House, “How Rude!.” I don’t know if he went back out, was out with someone or just at home either being drunk, with someone or just ignoring me. It was unusual behavior for him. Come to find out, he had to be up at 5:30am for a school meeting. Well, the meeting at at 7:30am. His school is actually in the city so he must’ve had this meeting in the city. My mind clearly wonders why he didn’t just want to come into the city the night before, us do dinner and go to bed early and him not have to wake up so early for his school meeting. Why didn’t he? Because he clearly didn’t want to see me. Or, he clearly had other plans.

I want someone that makes time for me. Especially in this case since we do not live nearby, we had to make efforts. I don’t want someone that yells at me because I ask them to take a train 30 minutes later so we can grab a bite to eat and spend more time together. I definitely was not and was never disrespectful of his schedule. Clearly, when he chooses to stay up late on his own accord it is ok. But, if I request it, I got yelled at like a child. Which, in his defense he apologized for when I brought it up over the phone. He didn’t intend to yell but said how angry his was. I honestly think he was just hangry as well.

I want someone that surprises me. I want someone that asks me questions. He doesn’t anymore. He doesn’t complete my thoughts anymore. He consumes them and I do NOT like that. That is not me. I am not the kind of girl to make a guy like me who doesn’t. I don’t want to be with someone that likes me less than I like them. There is an awful but true quote:

“The one who cares the least, holds the most power in the relationship.” 

I feel like this was a classic game of catch. He got me to like him, take down my wall and become vulnerable and then the moment I reciprocated feelings at his level, BOOM! He lost interest. I was really excited about this one, too. I through all my insecurities out the window. I didn’t do my classic look for every little flaw like I tend to do because I actually liked the guy. I was nervous for our dates because I actually liked him. I didn’t have our wedding planned out or anything. I was taking things at a healthy level. I didn’t sleep with him until the fourth date because I really liked him.

I was ridiculously sad for a while. But, now, I have realized my worth. I’m trusting my instincts. They are yelling at me to beware. They tell me to imagine if this is how he is after two months and silly incidents, then imagine down the road with larger, more serious incidents. That sword he had in his room could be used as a weapon! Ok, now that is just me being dramatic, but I think my point is valid.

As I travel over the border between Arizona and California into Los Angeles, I am just going to step back from this situation. He did text me prior to me flight to “Have a safe flight!!” I am not sure why he is still making an effort. I am not sure what is going on. He doesn’t communicate with me like he did two months ago. It isn’t fair to have one style of communication with me one month and then pull a 180 the next month. Regardless, I am going to enjoy my work trip and not let him bother me. I am as far as I could possibly get from him and I find peace with that.

Ideally, we have this discussion in person on Saturday. I will gladly hear his side but I believe he is on the same side of the fence as I am. Worst case scenario, I send him this text which is an abbreviated version of this blog entry. I don’t want to be that person that ends things over a text but it may be best considering how things have been going and I am not sure he even deserves the privilege of an in person communication. Ideally, we are mature about this but I am to the point where I just don’t really give a fuck. I’m not scared or sad anymore.

Never settle for less than what you deserve. And, I know I deserve the world and all God has to offer me. I will maintain my dignity and keep my head held high. He has someone incredible out there for me and if anything this was all just in preparation for when I do meet “the one.” Until then, Cheers from California!