Said Google Guy on our third date. I thought I had been through enough crazy dating stories but looks like there isn’t an end. Google Guy, whom I met on Bumble, was great on paper. He is a 34-year-old Software Engineer at Google, tall and slender, resides in the East Village, from the midwest and ran the NYC Marathon last year. Sounds like a winner right? By the end of date two I knew he wasn’t the guy for me. Date three was strictly to just get more entertaining and wow, did I get it.

Date #1: We went to Bar Veloce in the West Village. It was short and sweet. Short as in 35 minutes and sweet as in my prosecco was tasty. He had gotten stuck at work late so I enjoyed my sorority happy hour and then we met before our other prior engagements. Conversation consisted of mostly running talk, which was him running his mouth about his running group and then having a dialogue about full marathons. I thought the date was just short and sweet but in date number two he said he had to ask me out again because our first date was so “atrocious.” Wow.

Date #2: I was honestly surprised to hear from Google Guy again. I had seen another guy (another entry for another time) the same week and felt so much chemistry with that one and none with Google Guy. I figured I would give him another chance and my friends encouraged me to as well. He was always very formal about setting plans. He always picked the place and was very good at follow-up to confirm we were still on. These dates almost felt like a business transaction with no romance. We met at Cubano in midtown on a Tuesday for dinner. He used to work at Bloomberg and this was a favorite of his so this was his choice when I said I wanted to be more East-side. I made a suggestion about sharing two plates and his response was pretty much an absolutely not. I need a man to allow variety of plates in my life. No, I don’t want to eat off your spoon but yes, I will eat off your plate. He did let me try his beef dish as I just had ceviche.

Conversation was interesting over dinner. Questions that arose included “What do you want the composition of your family to be?” and a lot of questions around settling down and kids. I don’t want kids. At least, not anytime soon. I gave my stock (yet honest) response that I would decide when I meet “the one” but that I definitely want some selfish husband time to travel. We also discussed religion, an important topic to me. He says he used to be Catholic and his mom cries because of how he has stepped away from the church. He didn’t lose his virginity until his mid 20s as he was saving himself for marriage. He also seems to be a serial monogamist. A pitcher of sangria (I wish it were five pitchers) later were done and I suggested going across the street to Dylan’s Candy Bar’s actual bar. We caught them 20 minutes before closing and they almost wouldn’t serve us. I was willing to relocate but he wanted to stay. This is where things got crunchy and sticky. He started to tell me more about this running group and how they have some themed runs. Themes that included him in red fish nets and a tutu. Ok, tell me more. We relocated to Honky Tonk Tavern. I need to be in an environment I was comfortable with since conversation started getting uncomfortable. I also had my sorority sister planted to “crash” the date. The conversation started flowing with my Shiner Bocks. He told me some fascinating things.

• He isn’t opposed to being with a guy. He is well versed in penis and thinks he could do wonders on a guy.
• The same man that asked me about the composition of my future family told me that he wants him and his wife to be swingers in 20 years
• I learned that “pegger” means and will let Urban Dictionary tell you want it means. I try to keep this a somewhat classy environment
• He wants a 2M, 1 F threesome experience. No thanks. I think I’m busy that night and every night.
• He may have encountered HPV and if things got further with us then he has pamphlets at his place. What? I got the shot I say. He says, this strain is neither detectable on men and isn’t covered by the shot. Honey, I wasn’t going to sleep with you anyway.

Date #3: Why would there even be a third date after the last one? Good question. Ulterior motives on my behalf looking for more entertainment and material. And him? Maybe he thought he found someone who was ok with his repressed bisexual (PSA: There is nothing wrong with bisexuals, homosexuals or asexuals … I just want someone that I don’t have to compete for the whole world population). This date was planned on a Friday as I think he wanted to get fresh. I got to pick the place though and I went for Javelina queso and margaritas. He was a bit peeved that I didn’t make a reservation. I didn’t want to sit at a table. I wanted to sit at the bar. We lucked out and got a spot and then I lucked out on hearing about his weekend in Boston with his running group. I spent my weekend before this date at a church retreat north of NYC. He proceeds to show me his costume for this run. Let me paint this picture: Turquoise wig that curls up at the end just past the shoulder, redder lipstick than I have ever owned, mascara and leather strappy bottoms that do show the buttocks. He tells me some people were made uncomfortable by this costume. No shit Sherlock. I’m uncomfortable just looking at this picture. I can’t imagine seeing it in person. Google Guy then proceeds to tell me about a guy that has a crush on him that was on the running trip with him.

Me: Did y’all talk about his feelings (someone get me another margarita NOW)

Him: We did. And then it got to a point where I asked him if he wanted to make out.

Me: (Slowly drinks margarita to process what I just heard) Oh. And did you?

Him: Yes, we made out.

Me: Was it good?

Him: Yeah, it wasn’t bad at all.

Me: And he lives in Boston?

Him: No, NYC

Me: Well, I guess I have no problem telling you that I kissed a guy in the woods on my church retreat this past weekend!

Him: What kind of retreat was this?!

Me: (What kind of running group is this?)

So there it was. That golden nugget of information I was looking for. My stomach was hurting from earlier and it was just getting worse at this point but I really love Javelina’s margs and queso. He was trying to get me closer to his apartment to do dinner and essentially go home with him. Neither of this happened as I stated I was full on queso. Then the topics of weddings came up after he tried to kiss me. I told him how I was very open to non-traditional weddings. He seemed flabbergasted by this and so I gently reminded him that my dad had died (told him this on date #2). I don’t know if his repressed feelings for men and all this information he had shared with me was worst of this sentence.

“Well, maybe you should’ve gotten married sooner.”

Looking back I wish I walked out as opposed to demanding an apology. Two days later I got this text:

“Hey, hope you’re feeling better. I wanted to let you know that I think we should probably see other people. I think out personalities and values aren’t as much of a match as I think I ned. You’re fun and lovely though, and I wish you luck out there :-)”

This was the most manly thing he had done our whole three dates besides paying for 75% of them. I was relieved because I had every intention of telling him the same thing if he asked me out again. I wrote back to solidify this civil ending:

“Thanks and 100% agree. Was going to tell you the same thing actually ;). I want to focus on my new job and not at the point where I want to settle down/move as quickly as much as you do. Good luck as well!”

My search bar in Google now reads: NEXT!