What better place to start with a failed “love” story than from the beginning, before I even moved here. Let me preface this story by saying this guy had absolutely no influence on my move here. Many can attest I was already planning my leap of faith. Plus, we stopped talking for a while months before I moved here and made the decision to do so.

It was the Summer of 2012 and I was visiting a college friend with my Biffles from Tampa. After a ridiculously awesome day with friends, I ended up at Jake’s Dilemma on the Upper West Side with my college friend. He left me to go meet up with some of our other friends but I stuck around because I had met “Picnic Guy.” He was tall, blonde hair, blue eyes (I am noticing a trend in my type here with the hair and eye colors…) and he worked in finance down on Wall St. He was with a group of friends and he started talking to me by saying I reminded him of McKayla Maroney from the USA Olympic team. We really hit it off!

After the bar I went back to his friend’s house with him and we made out, that’s it, promise! The next day I was going to the Yankees Red Sox game but he wanted to see me before I left on Sunday. Before I flew out on Sunday, he took me on a picnic at Sheep’s Meadow in Central Park. I appreciated my friend letting me go on a date! She did some damage in Soho while I enjoyed some wine, cheese, olives and PDA in the park.

Once I got back to Tampa, “Picnic Guy” and I would text daily and sometimes even do video chat. I was SMITTEN! I even ignored Tampa boys because I was so hooked on this guy, which was completely stupid of me. Every Taylor Swift Song reminded me of him. I probably could make every song on the Speak Now CD relate to him.

After texting for a few months he ended up coming to Tampa in October for a bachelor party. This is where things went from completely perfect to completely awful. The bachelor party was going on a deep sea fishing party and since he claimed he got sea sick, him and I had a beach day! It was a perfect afternoon at the beach just relaxing and enjoying each other’s company in the sun. My crush grew even more! After some sunshine and playful flirting in the water we went back to the bachelor pad condo where I felt it was appropriate to accept his moves to take things further. We had been talking everyday for months. Of course, looking back, I realize how much I was played. Of course the talk of meeting out when the boys were out one night in South Tampa did not happen because they ended up at a strip club and bringing strippers back to the condo (which, I find absolutely disgusting). He drunk dialed me at 5 a.m. that night and told me about their pimp getting in a fight with one of the boys but who has time for that? I saw him one more time while he was in Tampa, which included me having to awkwardly meet the whole bachelor party (did not realize this upon my going over there and would not of gone had I known because I’m not about crashing a bachelor party – I respect the tradition (not the strippers) and boys time) and the boys, and I do mean BOYS, taking my phone in a room and having a photo session with their balls and behinds. I’m surprised my camera lens didn’t crack on my phone!

After he got back to NYC the conversation faded away and was completely gone by Halloween. This lead to me hysterically crying over him in my Monster costume and drunk dialing and yelling at him. I felt he deserved it. I felt played. And, I felt like I had a lot of vodka. No denying I had my crazy moment. Don’t all girls?

Fast forward to the Summer of 2013. Fate brought “Picnic Guy” and I back together on my third day of living in the city. And by fate, I mean my texting him that I had moved here. I made a point to not be too physical with him, and even told him I wanted to take things slow and date to see what happens. We hung out about once every two months or so. Unfortunately, all our meetings mostly included whichever apartment I lived in at the time or his. We did have a nice date on the Upper West Side (and by nice I mean Brother Jimmy’s so don’t get excited) and then for his birthday in September he ventured out to my studio apartment in Astoria. I got him a bottle of Tito’s Vodka, which we drank before going out for a nice Italian dinner, which he paid for. Happy Birthday.

I ventured to his place in Hell’s Kitchen (so appropriate as our relationship had gone to Hell in a hand basket) a few times throughout the year as well. He kind of became my DD (Designated Dick). It wasn’t until we were out in his neighborhood at Rumor’s where I tried to bring up the dreaded “talk.” He was upfront and said he didn’t want a relationship (or he was already in one…). A 35-year-old man that owns an apartment in NYC and has a stable job doesn’t want a relationship. Scratch your balls on that!

I started to get bored with him over the next few times we hung out and then when he had to move to Jersey when he was renovating his apartment, conversation definitely got sparse. This Halloween I texted him to see if he wanted to come meet up since I was going to be out in his neighborhood. If anything we grew a friendship over this time and it would’ve been nice to see him. He never made it out to the bars of course, but insisted I come over. I definitely did not want to sleep with him and definitely did not want to pay for a cab or surcharged Uber back to the Upper East Side (too intoxicated and too late for the subway). Plus, he had recently renovated his apartment so I wanted to check it out. I went over at 3:30am, his place looked amazing for sure! He wanted a kiss so I obliged that, and that was it. I then proclaimed how tired I was so proceeded to pass out and in the morning when we woke up I was actually a bit stuffed up from his excessive humidifier so I used that as my way out right away in the morning. I took my cupid wings from my costume and flew on out! This was the second time I stayed over without sleeping with him and I am going to make it the last.

This has been going on for almost 2 1/2 years and he is now 35. In the beginning, I was so into him that I had us dating in my head but the more we hung out the more I realized this was just a “special friend” situation, DD. I changed my attitude 180 degrees on him when he actually took me out for a drink at Rumors as mentioned and he stated how he did not want a relationship. It’s OK “Picnic Guy,” I understand that you just never wanted a relationship… with me.