nycdating

Mismatched

This past weekend I reached a low after being rejected by two guys in one day. I typically handle this well but not one after the other. A Match.com commercial came on and a few of my friends, even the one that met her husband on Match, suggested I try this out. It’s a paid service so the quality should be higher than that of the free swiping apps correct? False. After 18 hours I promptly had my membership canceled and got a refund. I’ll use that $88 toward two Soul Cycle classes as I have better chances of meeting someone while inside a brown paper bag than on Match.com.

There is no way I would tolerate 90 days of this if these are some of the messages I got within 12 hours of having an active profile. See below for your viewing pleasure:

This is probably not his real face I don’t think this one has ever seen a Disney movie. No one talks to a Princess like this: 

loser

Match.com gave me an ice breaker to ask this one about wine tasting. I asked him his favorite red and white. He told me he doesn’t even like wine and then wrote the below. Great way to build the trust.

no wine or time

  1. You’re ugly. 2. Why did you even message me? I already know I have a great ass. Literal asshole here: 

literal asshole

Definitely staying dry because you’re doing absolutely nothing to turn me on. 

weather

It is too late to say sorry – for this grammar and awful message. 

just no

No Chemistry with the Chemist

Sometimes I like to venture out of my typical type of man and give others a chance. A few weeks ago I right swiped The Scientist on Tinder and we went out for drinks at Seamstress on a Friday night. He was bald and not really in a line of work I typically am attracted to. He seemed nice though and was 34 so I figured why not. I met my friends for happy hour prior and then strategically placed them at the bar around the corner from Seamstress. I wasn’t too thrilled about this date and now have learned that Fridays are for Friends and not dates.

The Scientist and I had a decent time at Seamstress on the Upper East Side. He was geographically desirable living in the same neighborhood as I so I much appreciated that. When I walked up he looked a little too eager to meet me. Conversation was decent. It included work, politics and his Doctorate in Chemistry. Thank goodness the cocktails were exciting and delicious because this date was not turning out that way. I told my friends I would send them a certain emoji for a great date, mediocre date and bad date. I ended up sending them to the mediocre emoji and said I was on my way. Because I am a nice person I invited The Scientist, in hopes he would politely decline but his eyes lit up all the way to his bald head to have the chance to hang out with my longer.

Typically I share these dates where I get the short stick but sometimes I hand out the short sticky myself. There were just no sparks and he was a super Liberal and seemed judgemental of my Conservative ways. We had met my friends at Iggy’s Karaoke which was a complete 180 from the romantic cocktail bar around the corner. I offered to buy our drinks here and he seemed pleased at this. He took the tab at the cocktail bar but I was a little disappointed he was so willing to let me take the tab here. I was also disappointed that he claimed he would never do karaoke. I decided I needed to get rid of The Scientist so I told him, after a $60 tab on my behalf, that I was tired and going to go home. I hugged my friends and told them I would be right back. The Scientist insisted on walking me the eight blocks home so I let him. Amidst the walk, he asked permission to hold my hand. I barely held it like a clam. I don’t get how this smart man couldn’t tell I was just not that into him. He may have been a chemist, but there was definitely no chemistry. I did a strategic side hug to avoid an awkward attempt to kiss and thanked him again.

Here is where I become the jerk. Once I got upstairs I changed my tall black boots for my Converse chucks and went to meet my friends back out at Brother Jimmy’s. The Scientist texted that he got home safely and had a great time. He said he loved meeting my friends and hinted at doing it again. I sent a vague message back and fortunately never heard from him again and am still living happily ever after with my friends.

Nightmare on 33rd Street

Another flashback Friday date since I’ve been spending more time with Spencer and the Criminal Minds team than out on new dates lately. In January 2014 I went out on a date with a guy from OkCupid. We will call him Freddy. Freddy and I met up on a cold January weekday night at a speakeasy in midtown called Middle Branch. I was very impressed with his choice! It was a speakeasy and I had not heard of it. He had a reservation for us upstairs so we waited downstairs a few minutes until our table was ready. Before the date he made it known that he was going to “grab a slice of pizza,” which means he isn’t going to be shelling out the dollar bills for dinner. It was too late for me to grab a bite for myself and at this point I was just meeting after work and not going back home to Queens (where I lived at the time). So, I met up for drinks on a empty stomach. Classic.

We probably spent about two hours at the speakeasy discussing all kinds of things from family to careers. I was in a career transition at the time and had just found out I got my exciting new job so I was on a high with that. My personality definitely was overbearing for this poor kid. After about two drinks I was thoroughly bored and he was insistent upon having another one. Probably the most exciting thing he shared with me was that his uncle was a director/producer of scary movies. One, in fact that gave me horrible nightmares as a child. This should’ve been my red flag. The date ended and I got into a cab home. I did not kiss Freddy goodbye nor did I feel like I left an impression on him wanting to hang out again. I was also turned off by the fact that he had me pay half of the bill. It was a speakeasy that he picked out that clearly has expensive beverages. He knew it would be pricey and was the one insistent upon more drinks. Now, I did make one error and I will blame it on the intoxication. I did hold Freddy’s hand across the table. There were no romantic stares to associate the hand holding. Honestly, as I remember it, it was completely innocent. This later came to bite me on the behind.

I tried to give this guy the typical “fade out” where I barely respond to his messages. But, poor guy did not get the hint. And, once I broke it to him that I was “just not that into him” he went a whole different direction. I present the screenshots of the nightmarish texts after a mediocre date that also show that I, too, break hearts.

I sent him a picture of a beer pong table at a house party I was at to show that I was “busy.”

text

Note my very terse responses …

text.5

Please, tell me every thought on your mind and your every action. I’m clearly not interested.

text1

text2

I had no choice but to break it to him …

text3

text6

Then don’t say anything … ? So he waits 5 more days and sends a desperate plea to meet again.

text5

His uncle’s movies gave me nightmares and his texts gave me nightmares more than a Criminal Minds episode.

Brown Eyes, Blue Personality

After a long run of dates with guys with blue eyes, I stepped outside of the box and went on a date with a brown eyed boy last night from Tinder. He was probably one of the nicest guys I have met. Over 6 feet tall, brown eyes and some brown hair. He is 31, lived in Brooklyn and works in counseling, which naturally had me assuming he was psychologically evaluating me the whole date. I did appreciate that he knew the Insights personality training I recently did at work. I’m Sunshine Yellow and he was my exact opposite color, Cool Blue. Opposites attract perhaps?

The most exciting part of my date with Brown Eyed Boy was probably Jason. The older man sitting next to us at Supply House. I’m surprised this man didn’t give me nightmares. Along with him and the 15 hours of Criminal Minds I watching this weekend, I was paranoid! I got to Supply House before Brown Eyed Boy and sat at the corner of the bar two seats away from an assumed 50 year old man. He then proceeded to scoot next to me and chit chat. He asked if I was there alone. No sir. Male or female coming he asks. Thankfully a male. “Please leave me alone” I keep thinking. I pretend to make a phone call and Brown Eyed Boy finally comes. There was another couple next to us at the bar and this Jason kept harassing all of us. He kept saying Happy New Year’s and cheering us. I was nice at first until he pet my head on his way to the bathroom. Dear sir, I am not a dog. He had asked the bartender for a check so we all assumed he was leaving so we got another drink. I asked the bartender if he was leaving and the bartender said “God, I hope so.” Jason stuck around unfortunately. He proceeded to slur his words and the bartender finally cut him off. My Brown Eyed Boy asked if it was safe to go to the bathroom. Of course, I thought I could hold my own. 20 seconds later Jason was in attack mode. Said something horribly inappropriate to me and was far too close. I said “too close… too close” and he just didn’t get it. The girl from the couple near us came over to me and saved me with a fake smoke break. Brown Eyed Boy definitely thought I left as we watched through the window. Poor guy, like a doe-eyed Bambi. I returned with my blessed new friend that saved me and Brown Eyed Boy and I chugged and got the Hell out of there. God Bless the bartender, too, for only charging us for half our drinks. Go home Jason. You’re drunk. No, I will not have a shot with you.

We went to Five Mile Stone across the other street to have a drink in peace. Discussion included everything from family, work and our band days. I love finding former band nerds, especially fellow brass players. I’ve long retired my French horn but he still plays Trombone from time to time. He has the complete opposite background of me. He is from small town PA and I am from big city Texas. One negative would be his many failed attempts trying to kiss me at the bar. Come on people, let’s me a little more romantic. He definitely fit the “Cool Blue” personality traits from Insights and his voice was very counselor-like. At one point at Five Mile Stone I thought Jason had followed us over there, but it was his mini me with the same thick NY accent that promptly had me turning my head like “whoa.”

I definitely hope to never see Jason ever again but would love to see Brown Eyed Boy for a second date.

Under the Neon Lights

The majority of this date occurred under the blue neon shot glass at Barcelona Bar in Hell’s Kitchen. After the last date with Mr. 1987, I decided I was taking a break until the new year with new dates and I should’ve stuck to my guns. But, Tall T did an excellent job of keeping in touch for well over two months and made an effort to meet up so I obliged. We started chatting on OkCupid in October and our schedules just never really matched up to meet and then I went to FL.

We made plans to meet up on a Monday night at this place called Matt’s Grill in Hell’s Kitchen, his choice. He picked it because he said it was chill and quiet. I saw it as a local pub, not ideal, but was close to my office. Before the date I got a chair massage at the nail salon and felt guilty because I showed up 10 minutes late. I didn’t think the woman would give me a much needed free extra 5 minutes – so I felt guilty but well refreshed when I arrived at the date. Now this was one of those rare first meetings where the guy actually looks better in person than in his pictures, so I was pleasantly surprised. Tall (6′ 3”), blonde hair and blue eyes (I really need to toss a brunette in the mix here for the next guy!) and 32. But, lives in bum f*** Queens. He was definitely on the quieter side and after one drink I had the impression he wasn’t into me. I guess I was wrong because one drink turned into a second drink and us sharing a snack. My second drink was a dirty martini as I was inspired by the dirty martini on the Matt’s Grill menu and also it was a Monday. I appreciate alliteration.

At Matt’s we discussed family, work and all the typical first date conversations. Religion came up as well and he mentioned that he wanted to get back into the Catholic Church. I told him about the Young Adult Mass that would be occurring Wednesday. I didn’t invite him to go with me but said that would be a great way to ease back into the church with the younger crowd and social afterward. Of course he didn’t come last night.

During conversation after we finished sharing a chicken wrap, I mentioned Barcelona Bar across the street and how it is where my coworkers and I will go after work sometimes. He was intrigued and so we went! Upon arriving at Barcelona Bar (a shot bar), I treat Tall T to his first Barcelona shot – a chocolate covered pretzel. Delicious. Little did we know that Monday night is trivia night! I look at this as a super fun first date. Shots, trivia and games. In between rounds of trivia we would play hangman. Games photographed below:

photo (6)

Our team name ended up being “T & A” for our initials (and the dirty reference) to satisfy his team name suggestions that weren’t the classiest. The rounds of trivia included nicknames for drugs, which I’m glad to say that we bombed so I know he doesn’t do drugs. He knew “glass” because of Breaking Bad. I’ll allow that. I knew the other 4 out of the 8: marching powder, grass, lucy and x. Definitely wouldn’t be my first round of choice for trivia for a first date but the other rounds were celebrities, word association and playing of songs to name the artist. Unfortunately, they started a musical round while I was in the bathroom. I heard “Material Girls” and was excited to come back and say “Madonna!” but he was standing there CHEATING with Shazam! NOT OK! You cheat on trivia, I bet you’ll cheat on me one day! RED FLAG. I still made the most of the night and trivia but I was pretty turned off at this point.

We shared two pitchers of Bud Light, or should I say I sipped on one glass while he consumed the pitchers. He definitely got drunk and I definitely remained sober. Interesting turn around here. Tall T became much more into me with each drink he took. He kept grabbing my hand to hold and kept trying to kiss me. All this at Barcelona Bar under the neon blue shot glass. No, Tall T, I will not kiss you under a the neon shot glass. Not ok. He walked me to the subway and I allowed a small kiss goodbye. The yellow NQR signs were more appropriate than the neon blue shot glass sign at least.

In the end, “T & A” did not win in trivia or in love.

Basket full of Cheese, Olives and Heartache

What better place to start with a failed “love” story than from the beginning, before I even moved here. Let me preface this story by saying this guy had absolutely no influence on my move here. Many can attest I was already planning my leap of faith. Plus, we stopped talking for a while months before I moved here and made the decision to do so.

It was the Summer of 2012 and I was visiting a college friend with my Biffles from Tampa. After a ridiculously awesome day with friends, I ended up at Jake’s Dilemma on the Upper West Side with my college friend. He left me to go meet up with some of our other friends but I stuck around because I had met “Picnic Guy.” He was tall, blonde hair, blue eyes (I am noticing a trend in my type here with the hair and eye colors…) and he worked in finance down on Wall St. He was with a group of friends and he started talking to me by saying I reminded him of McKayla Maroney from the USA Olympic team. We really hit it off!

After the bar I went back to his friend’s house with him and we made out, that’s it, promise! The next day I was going to the Yankees Red Sox game but he wanted to see me before I left on Sunday. Before I flew out on Sunday, he took me on a picnic at Sheep’s Meadow in Central Park. I appreciated my friend letting me go on a date! She did some damage in Soho while I enjoyed some wine, cheese, olives and PDA in the park.

Once I got back to Tampa, “Picnic Guy” and I would text daily and sometimes even do video chat. I was SMITTEN! I even ignored Tampa boys because I was so hooked on this guy, which was completely stupid of me. Every Taylor Swift Song reminded me of him. I probably could make every song on the Speak Now CD relate to him.

After texting for a few months he ended up coming to Tampa in October for a bachelor party. This is where things went from completely perfect to completely awful. The bachelor party was going on a deep sea fishing party and since he claimed he got sea sick, him and I had a beach day! It was a perfect afternoon at the beach just relaxing and enjoying each other’s company in the sun. My crush grew even more! After some sunshine and playful flirting in the water we went back to the bachelor pad condo where I felt it was appropriate to accept his moves to take things further. We had been talking everyday for months. Of course, looking back, I realize how much I was played. Of course the talk of meeting out when the boys were out one night in South Tampa did not happen because they ended up at a strip club and bringing strippers back to the condo (which, I find absolutely disgusting). He drunk dialed me at 5 a.m. that night and told me about their pimp getting in a fight with one of the boys but who has time for that? I saw him one more time while he was in Tampa, which included me having to awkwardly meet the whole bachelor party (did not realize this upon my going over there and would not of gone had I known because I’m not about crashing a bachelor party – I respect the tradition (not the strippers) and boys time) and the boys, and I do mean BOYS, taking my phone in a room and having a photo session with their balls and behinds. I’m surprised my camera lens didn’t crack on my phone!

After he got back to NYC the conversation faded away and was completely gone by Halloween. This lead to me hysterically crying over him in my Monster costume and drunk dialing and yelling at him. I felt he deserved it. I felt played. And, I felt like I had a lot of vodka. No denying I had my crazy moment. Don’t all girls?

Fast forward to the Summer of 2013. Fate brought “Picnic Guy” and I back together on my third day of living in the city. And by fate, I mean my texting him that I had moved here. I made a point to not be too physical with him, and even told him I wanted to take things slow and date to see what happens. We hung out about once every two months or so. Unfortunately, all our meetings mostly included whichever apartment I lived in at the time or his. We did have a nice date on the Upper West Side (and by nice I mean Brother Jimmy’s so don’t get excited) and then for his birthday in September he ventured out to my studio apartment in Astoria. I got him a bottle of Tito’s Vodka, which we drank before going out for a nice Italian dinner, which he paid for. Happy Birthday.

I ventured to his place in Hell’s Kitchen (so appropriate as our relationship had gone to Hell in a hand basket) a few times throughout the year as well. He kind of became my DD (Designated Dick). It wasn’t until we were out in his neighborhood at Rumor’s where I tried to bring up the dreaded “talk.” He was upfront and said he didn’t want a relationship (or he was already in one…). A 35-year-old man that owns an apartment in NYC and has a stable job doesn’t want a relationship. Scratch your balls on that!

I started to get bored with him over the next few times we hung out and then when he had to move to Jersey when he was renovating his apartment, conversation definitely got sparse. This Halloween I texted him to see if he wanted to come meet up since I was going to be out in his neighborhood. If anything we grew a friendship over this time and it would’ve been nice to see him. He never made it out to the bars of course, but insisted I come over. I definitely did not want to sleep with him and definitely did not want to pay for a cab or surcharged Uber back to the Upper East Side (too intoxicated and too late for the subway). Plus, he had recently renovated his apartment so I wanted to check it out. I went over at 3:30am, his place looked amazing for sure! He wanted a kiss so I obliged that, and that was it. I then proclaimed how tired I was so proceeded to pass out and in the morning when we woke up I was actually a bit stuffed up from his excessive humidifier so I used that as my way out right away in the morning. I took my cupid wings from my costume and flew on out! This was the second time I stayed over without sleeping with him and I am going to make it the last.

This has been going on for almost 2 1/2 years and he is now 35. In the beginning, I was so into him that I had us dating in my head but the more we hung out the more I realized this was just a “special friend” situation, DD. I changed my attitude 180 degrees on him when he actually took me out for a drink at Rumors as mentioned and he stated how he did not want a relationship. It’s OK “Picnic Guy,” I understand that you just never wanted a relationship… with me.

Good Date. Bad Timing.

Saturday I took another arrow from OkCupid and went out with another musician. This time, a part-time drummer and future full- time doctor. He wants to be a pediatrician. Those who know me know my dislike for children. Props to him for wanting to deal with crying kids all day. He was an average height, blonde hair, blue eyed 26-year-old from a big Greek family. Oldest of six! Another one good on paper! Our date was at Le Parisian in Kips Bay. Adorable little French brunch place.

But, remember he is a “future” doctor and not currently one. I appreciate the ambition and definitely a desirable career but I have had many friends go through their residency and fall off the face of the Earth. Hence, prefacing this date as “good” but with “bad” timing. He doesn’t even know where he will be doing his residency, which starts in six months, so I’m 100% skeptical to get involved as more than friends with this one. Just trying to steer clear of future problems better than Captain Smith of the Titanic.

Overall, conversation was enjoyable enough to continue onto Cask next door for one more beverage before going our separate ways. I had a bag of purple pom poms and college football to watch. Priorities folks. I think my favorite part of the conversation was when we both discussed how our Grandmothers would cook lamb and the different ways to cook it. Then he lost his train of thought and I just rambled “Mary had a little lamb” and “Lambchop” references. He said that is a tendency of schizophrenia. I was just playing some word association to help him regain his train of thought. I am completely sane but it is still funny though. He tried to kiss me at the bar. I appreciated the initiative but I didn’t feel the moment was right for a “first kiss” at a bar ar 3:30 in the afternoon. Cheesy sounding enough that I should have had some cheese with my wine at Cask I suppose. If he asked me out again I would definitely consider, but proceed with caution. He actually will be in the same city as me over the weekend after Thanksgiving so he mentioned meeting up there. We will see how the schedules match up and if there is a second date with “Dr. Drums.”

Starting this weekend, I will be in the Sunshine State for two weeks and then Christmas is here before you know it. I personally am annoyed when someone takes me on a date before they leave for an extended period of time so I plan on extending common courtesy to the male population for now. Tis the season to put dating on the back burner and cookies in the oven instead. Holiday cheer will be maintained by some entertaining stories I have accumulated from my first year of dating in NYC. Perhaps have the sugar cookies already made though because there is nothing sweet about these stories.